For 3 ½ almost 4 years, I struggled with the hurt of the physical, mental, emotional, and verbal abuse of my son’s father. Struggling to forgive him wholeheartedly. Struggling to let the hurt go and not let it consume me.
In some instances, I said I forgave him, but a thought or a memory would take me back to a place of unforgiveness. So much so, I would think about him and immediately say I wanted to hit him with a truck. Yes, these were the thoughts I was having!! Would I have really done it?” “No.” “But thinking it and wanting to inflict physical harm on him was just the same.”
In my flesh I wanted to inflict on him all the hurt and the pain I was feeling. But even saying what I wanted to do to him, I was seeking vengeance and in doing so I was putting myself in God’s place.
Romans 12: 17-21 (Amp ) says “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave the way open for God’s wrath [and His judicial righteousness]; for it is written [in Scripture], “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. “But if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for by doing this you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome and conquered by evil, but overcome evil with good.” The message translation states ” Don’t hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you’ve got it in you, get along with everybody. Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do. “I’ll do the judging,” says God. “I’ll take care of it.” Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he’s thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don’t let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good.
Instead of dealing with my hurt by giving it to God, I wanted to hurt him. And to think about helping him in any kind of way was out of the question. I attended our weekly bible study one Wednesday night. Prophetess Nakia facilitated the lesson and she said, “Pray to God about what you needed to give the person who hurt you the most.” I immediately said I’m not doing that; I’m not giving him nothing. In my flesh, I had nothing to give him and didn’t want to give him anything. Being generous to him, offering him a drink, buying him lunch, was definitely a no.
I was being vengeful and it was keeping me in a place of unforgiveness. It’s right there in the scripture, Vengeance belongs to God. He already said He would take care of it. But because I was in my flesh, I wanted to do it myself. What Prophetess Nakia was asking me (us) to do wasn’t about him, it was really about me getting to a place where that hurt no longer controlled me, even continued to make me bitter, or angry at the thought of what he did.
Because I was too wrapped up in what I wasn’t going to do for him, I missed what I needed for myself. And let me tell you I had to confront this situation. Honestly, I thought that forgiving him would make me vulnerable to him, make a soft spot in my heart again for him, or make me more susceptible to him. Thinking I would let myself fall back into his world. I didn’t trust myself enough to think I was strong enough to forgive him.
Finally, after 3 ½ almost 4 years in December 2019, I reached that place of forgiveness in my heart for him. It was extremely freeing. I let what he did control me, but I had to get to a place where I yielded to my spirit and not my flesh. I proved just how strong I was and that I could forgive him, and not fall back into that world.
How many times have we kept a child from their father because we can’t get over the hurt they caused us, especially if the father wants to be in their lives? How many times have we kept children from grandparents, from aunts and uncles because we are too hurt by what they did to forgive them? Or any other situation that keeps us in a place of unforgiveness.
I’m here today to tell you the hurt and the pain can be removed if you give it over to God. You can forgive them!! I’m a witness and I’ve experienced it for myself. He wants us walking in freedom, not unforgiveness.