I learned about rejection through the Kingdom Sniper Institute. This rejection comes from having an orphaned spirit. I’ve never thought of myself as being an orphan. I grew up with both my parents in my life. While my mom is still living, my dad passed suddenly in January of 2007. My best friend was gone!! My world was gone. Where he was, is where I wanted to be. Growing up if you saw him, you saw me. The difficult part about my dad passing away suddenly: I was mad at him when he left this world; holding a grudge against him for something that happened in December of the previous year.

When my dad died, an unfillable hole was left in my heart and soul. I can admit fifteen years later that I was angry with my dad. When my dad went into the hospital, I did not think that he would not leave.  When I was talking to him while he was there, it never felt sincere because I was still mad at him. On our last phone conversation, he said “I’m going to make sure you’re alright and I love you.” I told him that I loved him too. But, I said it out of obligation and I have always felt it was not genuine because I was still upset with him. 

That was the last time I heard his voice. I was away at veterinary school and had to rely on updates from my mom and brothers. Several days later, on January 20th of that year, mom called and said, “He isn’t doing well, that he coded.“ I called my brothers to get to the hospital. Alone at school, waiting for updates, and I received a call from my twin brother and I’ll never forget what he said in a crying voice, “Daddy’s gone.” The two men who I knew loved me were now gone. My only grandfather passed away in 2005 and now my dad. The hole in my heart was deeper than I acknowledged. 

Prior to going home for Christmas, in 2006, I found out I was suspended from veterinary school and I was already devastated. I didn’t tell my parents and my dad never found out. At the time only one family member and a few friends knew because I was ashamed and embarrassed. I could not bring myself to tell him what happened, he was so proud of me. I went through being suspended alone because I did not want to tell him, and the person I talked to about everything was now gone. 

I held a grudge against my dad because I could not let go of what happened. I blamed myself for years. I was mad at myself, hurt and broken. In the last six days of his life, I was holding on to something that should not have even mattered at the time. Because of my stubbornness, I would not allow myself to feel empathy towards my dad in the hospital. To forgive him because I could not let go. This is not the last time I would encounter my inability to let go. 

After studying the “Orphan Spirit” in my class, I realized that the void and the unfillable hole in my heart and soul was caused by my dad’s sudden death, it caused me to be an orphan spiritually. The orphaned spirit is a wound caused by one’s father or mother directly or indirectly. Wounded after my father died, I did not feel loved or that I even loved God. My connection to God was broken. This hole in my heart, this void of emptiness caused me to go down a path of trying to fill it, in order to feel whole again. 

For twelve years, I tried to fill this hole in the comfort of men and sexual pleasures. At the end of each encounter, I was still empty. Losing my virginity the same year my dad died was not pleasurable and not what I had heard about. For a year, I went searching for this expectation to be met and I was not fulfilled.

I stopped for a year and in 2010, I met a guy who brought me the excitement and pleasure I thought I wanted. The “situationship” started going downhill. He was sleeping with someone else and I knew it, but I kept letting him back in. I kept holding on. I could not let go of how he made me feel and then it happened. This man who made me feel good sexually, but physically abused me. 

Yet again finding myself feeling ashamed, I never told anyone in my family except one person. I made them promise not to tell the others. In 2011, I was graduating from vet school. I didn’t want to focus on what happened to me. I was two months from graduation and moving on with my life. I moved and moved on. 

In 2013, I met another man who I thought was the man of my dreams. I finally thought I was in love, and he wanted me. Again, it was exciting, I was not alone anymore. Just as I did with my father, I had someone to do things with, and talk about life. Someone, I thought I could grow old with. Then the controlling ways started, the “red flags” started showing. I could not let go of the man he showed me, and held on to the dream I thought I wanted. 

I knew in 2014, I should have left, but I kept holding on and did not let go. Over the span of 3 years, I was mentally, verbally, and physically abused. The physical abuse didn’t start until 2015,  when I was four months pregnant. Then in 2016, it happened again when my son was 3 months old. Prior to that last time, I allowed him to continue to come back, no matter how many times I thought I had let him go. 

That day in 2016, was the last time and the last day I endured that kind of pain and abuse from the hands of a man. It was not easy and I struggled for some time to keep him out of my life. I was able to let go because of my son. I could not let him grow up in a toxic environment/ an environment where he would witness my abuse.

In many ways holding on to these men was a way for me to try to fill the hole in my heart, that void in my life left when my dad passed away. Not letting go only caused me more harm. Not letting go left me empty on the inside. Not letting go left me hurt, broken, lost, and lonely. I was trying to fill that hole with everything and everyone else and the hole was still there and it was deeper. 

I did not realize how deep it was until I started purifying, cleansing my spirit. In all the seeking I had done trying to fill a hole to become whole, I not once invited God to fill it. I consulted Him on other things, but I did not give Him that area. I did not give Him my heart. I did not give Him the hurt I felt when my dad died. 

Until I let go of the hurt, I could not be free from it and my heart could not heal. The beauty of it all is when I finally gave it all to God, He took off running. I had to let go and let God operate on me. I had to give God permission and when I said I did not want it anymore, He began to heal me from the inside out. I no longer hide the pain, I acknowledged it, I confessed it, and God healed me from it. 

Although I felt orphaned in natural from the loss of my father, I was not orphaned or Fatherless spiritually. I have sought to know my heavenly Father on a more personal level and it has blossomed into a beautiful relationship that I cherish. Because God is so amazing, He knew I still needed a father figure and sent me an earthly spiritual father, my Pastor. He always called me his daughter, but I could not call him “Pops” until I was healed from the hurt of losing my dad.

I have been purging and healing since 2018. It has involved other people at times, but the majority of my healing has been through my writing. I stated before that I stopped writing for twelve years. I now know that my writing brings healing and freedom. It was through my writing of poetry that I healed from the loss of my father, embraced my earthly spiritual father, and developed a relationship with my heavenly Father.