There is a song entitled “Finding My Way Back” by Jaheim that came out on the radio in 2010. One of the lyrics of the song said: “Gotta find my way back, way back, to you, to us, to love.” But how often do we try to find our way back to the things that we know we should have let go? The people, the comfort, and the familiarity that we know means us harm. I know this story all too well.
Over the span of five years and two different men, I found myself running back to two men who were deadly for me mentally, physically, and spiritually. At the time I could not see past what I wanted versus what I needed.
Could I have known that this sweet, loving, humble woman would have had the handprints of two different men on the face and arm of her beautiful body, a gun pointed to her forehead, or even being pushed down with her 3-month-old son in her arms? The answer is no.
But what I can say is this, the signs, the “RED FLAGS” were there in both situations to turn away and move on before the abuse occurred. I kept finding my way back to these men and allowing them to come back. A never-ending cycle that had repeated itself twice in my life.
Now, some ten years later, I came to the realization that what I was finding my way back to was ungodly soul ties. Mentally incapacitated by the physicality of the situation and my own thoughts. The thought of thinking I was being fulfilled through sex (I was still empty). The thought of this man is about to be my husband (I am not his wife). The thought of me carrying his first-born son would not do that ( he did) and the list can go on and on.
About four months into my pregnancy, he pushed me, allowing him to come back because he “apologized”. Even after being abused by both men, I still found myself sleeping with them again. I was looking to fill the emptiness I had inside. Through all that I went through in each situation, I was trying to find my way back to the wrong man. Trying to find my way back to the wrong love, to the wrong us.
In Luke 15:11-32, it talks about the journey of “The Prodigal Son”. The story of a son who asked for his inheritance now while his father was still living and spent it on worldly things. The verses I want to mention are verses 17-20: “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ So, he got up and went to his father. “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
In Luke 15:17 he said,” When he came to his senses.” it is like the light switch came on. Asking himself, “Why am I living like this?” When I came to my senses, it was years later especially after the first incident of abuse in 2011. Two years after the first incident, I was in another relationship and didn’t find my way back before being in another abusive relationship. It was three years after the second abusive relationship that I found my way back to the Father!
I was going to church, and hearing the Word but it wasn’t until I started cleansing that I found my way back to Him. I repented for my sins and I know I wasn’t worthy for Him to receive me back. But the Father welcomed me back with arms wide open!
And I will say because I was abused twice, I recognized it as a curse, cycle, or pattern that started to occur in my life. During my cleansing process, one of the prayers I prayed was for the Father to break this cycle, to take away whatever attraction I had to these types of men. I prayed to Him to mask (hide or cover-up) what these types of men were attracted to in me and reveal it only to the man who he had for me. There will not be a third time!!!!
It is easy to find ourselves going back to the wrong habits, past relationships or situationships. In my case back to men who were abusive.
No matter how long it has been, even if it was yesterday or a few minutes ago, you can always find your way back to the Father. We simply have to “come to our senses” and know that life with the Father is greater than life without Him.
I challenge you to listen to “I Won’t Go Back” by William McDowell in your quiet time and declare that today is the day that you’ve been changed and you won’t go back!!!