For eight weeks after I came back, not once did I repent for my sins. Even when I was asked about feeling guilty by one of my friends, I said, “ Girl no, I had fun.”This was probably a week or two afterward. But what happened in Jamaica didn’t stay there. I brought it back with me. While I didn’t engage in physical sex, I begin lusting after it, steady feeding that promiscuous spirit and desire to be wanted by someone. 

On July 21, 2019, my Pastor called everyone to the altar for a prayer of repentance. I didn’t want to go at first knowing I needed to because I was still living in sin. But after everyone was going, I didn’t want to be the only one not at the altar. So I went, but I didn’t want to pray and repent, because I was conflicted about being at the altar. I just didn’t want to be the only one not there. Before I went, my spirit/flesh was upset because of what Pastor was saying. I didn’t want to hear it. I was being convicted or what I felt at the time reprimanded, but he was right in doing what he was called to do. l just didn’t want to receive it. While I was at the altar, I mumbled what I had done as an act of repentance, but it wasn’t sincere. 

After church, I went to lunch with a friend, who asked me if I felt guilty, (the same one from before) but this time the conversation we had was different for me. I told her my feelings about church that day and that I did repent, but it wasn’t sincere. I told her that my spirit wasn’t right and had not been right, but I still didn’t do anything about it. And although I acknowledge my spirit wasn’t right, I just let it be. That was however the last day I stopped lusting and trying to fulfill my fleshy wants and desires. 

I will say this too, several times throughout those eight weeks, I would hug my Pastor or Prophetess and would feel guilty, maybe even avoid them. They were with me during my first purge and I felt like they would read right through me. I didn’t want to be called out so to speak. Pastor specifically asked me several times, “Everything okay daughter?”, half looking at him in the eyes, smiling, “Yes, I’m good.” and he said, “ Okay.” And to keep any other conversation from happening, I would cut it short and move on to talk to someone else. I just knew, he would look right through that smile and I hugged Prophetess and felt the same way. Not wanting to engage in too much talk. I don’t know if they recognized it then or not but I was avoiding them. 

It had been nine weeks since I came back from my trip. It was August 7, 2019, the day we have midweek service. I just took my son to a swim lesson. It was 0723 and I was on the phone with my mom driving in the direction of home and church. I debated on whether or not to go, but at the moment I could turn to go home, I kept straight to go to church for service. When I got there, everyone was already there walking around church praying for our specific prayer target. I wrote my prayer targets and took my card to the altar. But I didn’t engage in prayer. 

Once prayer was over, Prophetess Nakia taught the lesson on having a heart of gratitude. Before she began teaching, she told us to write down the names or things that we care about and why. Then the names of someone who we dislike, who hurt us deeply, and someone who made us angry. My son’s father fit all three of the categories, but I only wrote his name for the one who hurt me deeply. And then Prophetess continued on with the lesson. 

Once she finished, she challenged us to pray for the one we dislike and the one who hurt us deeply and asked us to ask God what to give them. Immediately I said, “ I ain’t giving that nigga nothing.” Then when it was time for altar call and prayer, she said, “If you know you are going to have a hard time praying for them, then come to the altar for prayer.”. 

Every part of me knew I should have gone to the altar. My resistance was so strong that I began shaking nervously and even then I still refused to go. Still allowing my own self-will to be greater than what God had called me to do. In my flesh, I had nothing to give him, and better yet I was not going to pray for him either. 

After the service was over and I was speaking to everyone, I found my way to the front of the church to hug Pastor and Prophetess. They were talking, and I contemplated hugging them so as not to interrupt. But I did and gave both a quick side hug and carried on. At some point Pastor found his way back to me and he said just as calmly, “What did you do?  Who have you been talking to or been messing with?”I looked at him shockingly, probably like a deer caught in the headlights. He said to me, “You weren’t ready for that were you?” and I said, “No I wasn’t.”. 

He said to me, “Your spirit is out of alignment and you haven’t been praying. You know I’m a Prophet and when you hugged me, something was wrong and you felt different and I wasn’t the only one who felt it. Prophetess felt it too.” He repeated, “ What did you do?” Before I was smiling, but this time the smile was not as big and he looked over the rim of his glasses at me in a Fatherly way, that required an actual response from me. I simply said, “I probably had too much fun (sin) in Jamaica.” Pastor asked me if I was still talking to him, and I said it’s been a few weeks. He looked at me again and said, “I don’t know what you need to do, but you need to fix it.” I just looked at him and said alright. 

Before our conversation ended, Pastor said to me, “Do you remember when we warred with you?” And I said, “Yes.” He said,  “Why would you let yourself get back to that point?”. He said you are going to tell me what you did voluntarily or involuntarily, but that I was going to tell him. He looked over his glasses again, tilted his head down to look at me over them, and I said okay”. I was comfortable being where I was fleshy/spiritually, even when I had acknowledged I wasn’t right on the inside. But the talk I had with Pastor got to me and my spirit was so restless the rest of the week. 

So, Pastor called me out on all my mess and I wasn’t even ready for it, or to deal with it. But there was a day, time, and hour where all the stuff I had put on me would come to a head. Self-will, pride, stubbornness, and submission were things I would have to face, and I will yet again have no control over what would take place. I would have to submit to God’s will and fight self-will, pride, stubbornness, and my refusal to submit. This was a fight that I shall never forget. 

While I thought I was Living My Best Life, that life was not the one God had desired for me. A life full of sin, stubbornness, self-will, pride, and lack of submission. One I had fun doing but still left me empty on the inside. But the day I had An Encounter with the Holy Spirit, my life was forever changed. This was the day that I started “Living My Best Life.